


drain the pressure from the swelling, this sensation's overwhelming

by spinningincircles



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Sibling Love, izzy and alec are the best siblings ever fight me about it, like hella background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 23:54:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14224593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinningincircles/pseuds/spinningincircles
Summary: She couldn’t go backwards, she wouldn’t go backwards, but a voice in her head had wormed its way in, reminding her that he was just a phone call away. One call, a quick taxi ride, and she’d feel better.





	drain the pressure from the swelling, this sensation's overwhelming

**Author's Note:**

> i love izzy and i love the lightwoods so here we are
> 
> tw for description of a panic attack
> 
> title from "give me novacaine" by green day

Izzy feels like she’s 10 years old again.

She’s pretty sure that’s the last time she made this trip. She was about a head shorter, and the shadows seemed much darker back then, but she remembers the way as well as if she had made it yesterday. She even steps around the squeaky floorboard outside her parents’ old room out of habit.

It had hit her out of nowhere. She had been working late in the armory mending a katana blade a trainee had broken. It was usually peaceful, the silence of the sleepy Institute punctuated only by the quiet pounding of her hammer on dented metal. Tonight, however, every  _ thump _ had vibrated through her unpleasantly, digging deep within her, making it feel like her skin was buzzing and like her bones were the things being hammered. As she worked, the buzzing had gotten worse and worse, growing and growing, until an uncontrollable tremor wracked her entire body, sending the katana to the floor with a clatter. She sat back and shut her eyes and tried to even out her breathing, to get her body back under control. In for 7, hold for 4 — or was it in for 8, hold for 3? She couldn’t get her mind to cooperate, so she had opened the bottom drawer of her desk for Plan B — sugar. She reached in and rummaged around, stomach plummeting even further as she pulled out the empty bag of mini Twix she had finished two days ago. Crushing the bag in her fists, she had closed her eyes again and had tried to keep creeping thoughts at bay. She couldn’t go backwards, she  _ wouldn’t _ go backwards, but a voice in her head had wormed its way in, reminding her that he was just a phone call away. One call, a quick taxi ride, and she’d feel better. Forget the meetings, forget her friends, her family, she  _ knew _ what she needed. One more time and she’d be done for good.

She had gotten so far as unlocking her phone and opening her contacts before she got a semblance of control again. She tossed her undialed phone on the table, kicked off her heels, and padded quickly and quietly down the hall to the residential wing.

It’s a shorter trip than she remembers.

The tears don’t start falling until she reaches the door. The embarrassment that she almost ruined everything she’s worked towards, the frustration that this is  _ still happening _ to her, it all keeps flying around her head and it won’t stop, it’s  _ too much _ . She doesn’t even bother steeling herself or wiping her nose before knocking.

She hears a muffled “Come in” and slowly opens the door.

Alec’s bedside lamp is on and a file is open in front of him on the bed. He had gotten back late from a patrol and had an early morning meeting, so he had decided to stay at the Institute rather than go back to Magnus’ for less than 6 hours. Of course, though, he’s still up working.

He looks up from his papers as she comes in, a smile forming and quickly dropping as he sees the state she’s in. Immediately, he closes the folder and places it on the ground, sitting up straighter, his face twisted in confusion and concern.

That’s when the final dam breaks. She rushes towards him and falls into his lap, the force knocking them both back against the headboard. She wraps her arms around his neck, her hands grasping his shirt and her face smushed into his shoulder, and she lets everything go. It’s half a brief moment before Alec’s arms are tight around her, stroking her hair and rocking her gently, just like he did when she was little and the nightmares were too much. The only difference now is that the nightmares are real. They’re real and tinged with shame and regret that she can’t seem to shake, no matter how many times people tell her she’s doing better.

She cries and cries, and he just holds her tighter.

It’s a while before the tears dry up and the sobs subside. After, every inch of her body feels heavy with exhaustion, but she also feels lighter. She sits back a bit to collect herself, and Alec’s grip loosens around her without letting her go too far. She meets his eyes fully for the first time since she came in, and he offers a small smile. She tries to smile back and feels it wobble as fresh tears threaten to fall. He is her rock, he always has been, he’s always been there for her, but she doesn’t deserve it. Not after everything she’s put him through.

She moves to sit next to him, shoulder to shoulder, and she looks out the window across from the bed. The sky is clear and she can see a surprising amount of stars. Somehow, they give her strength.

“I almost called him,” she says after a minute, still looking out the window.

She feels him turn his head to her. “Who?”

“Raphael.”

He’s quiet.

“I didn’t though. I almost did, and I wanted to so, so bad. As bad as I did when I started.” She turns to meet his eyes again. They’re concerned but soft, understanding. “But I didn’t. I came here instead.”

He reaches for her hand and squeezes. “You came here instead. That’s what matters. You can  _ always _ come to me instead.”

She squeezes back and smiles for real, a wave of affection rolling through her. She lays her head on his shoulder, feels him place a kiss on her hairline. Maybe she deserves this after all.

The stars twinkle. Her bones have settled. There is peace in her head, and she’s grateful.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell about my queen isabelle sophia lightwood or malec or literally anything on [ tumblr ](tylerhunklin.tumblr.com) with me!


End file.
